Spazzing on a Whim

I don't know how to feel about this

2012-01-05T01:02:00.000-08:00

this is my grandfather's blog (which I've been utilizing irresponsible, rough-shod translation to try to read): http://photo.blog.sina.com.cn/luolaoyezi

An uncle also has a blog. Only mention of me was to point out that I'm a much less annoying child at age 16 than I was at age 6.

Went to Buddhist temple today and received the following fortune: "the existence of everything in the universe is interdependent." I should have gotten one in Chinese and had my father and grandparents analyze it for me because I get the distinct feeling that the English alternatives are just random fortune cookie bullshit that the temple uses to amuse Americans. It's odd to simultaneously flaunt the cultural richness of my Chinese heritage while actually being an ignorant outsider to it, dumb Amurikan that I am. Chinese Americans exist in that weird, membranous in-between zone where neither culture is completely accessible.

new years day

2012-01-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

funky fresh feeling at turning 21 this year. One less reproductive year!

portents gather

2011-12-30T13:46:00.000-08:00

what evil times we live in, that the wicked should prosper while the virtuous fall sick.

the perils of living with such vicious dogs

2011-12-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

are that you feel like a prisoner in your own home.

ramblings

2011-12-13T00:52:00.000-08:00

I always stop watching after Liu is carried off the stage and Timur staggers along behind her, holding her hand. For me the opera ends right there, and indeed it should since Puccini died before he could go any further. Though frankly any resolution short of me running onstage and throttling Turandot with my bare hands would be an unsatisfactory one. Power of love, betch.

Also, you're making Chinese people look bad. Stop it.

dog eat dog

2011-12-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

"American soldiers used to laugh when they saw Chinese troops carrying dead dogs slung from poles; they cursed when a pet puppy disappeared from their barracks. The Chinese troops stole dogs and ate them because they were starving and because the fat pets the Americans kept ate more meat in a week than a Chinese soldier saw in a month."

--T. White and A. Jacoby

I heard a story once that when the Japanese brought captured Chinese soldiers to Unit 731 for human experimentation, the doctors there wanted to find out how these Chinese could keep fighting even after their supply lines had been cut for months and there'd been nothing for them to eat. So they took some men, tied them down, and sliced into their bellies. In each man's stomach was an undigested bolus of cotton, leather, and guanyintu (white clay).

War is hell regardless of who is fighting whom.

realized this:

2011-12-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

I associate lavender and lilac with cats and bathrooms!

happy horrible awkward painful thanksgiving!

2011-11-25T14:16:00.001-08:00

that hilarious moment when you realize your home life is more stressful than your academic one.

2011-11-20T11:04:00.000-08:00

"Do They Know it's Christmas?" by Band Aid must be the single worst Christmas song I've ever had to hear. Annoying. Sounds soulless. Whatarethosenotesyouareplaying. Also, trying to guilt me during the holidays? What a sentiment! Sorry, bro. I'm doing my best to give back to my own community as it is so please don't expect me to sprout wings from my butt and fly over to Africa bearing pizza and Mountain Dew like some kind of food Super-Jesus.

fair is foul and foul is fair

2011-11-11T12:28:00.000-08:00

how can it be a pathology to argue against something pathological? More coffee is required.

really?

2011-10-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Currently engrossed in a seven year-old Internet love triangle--complete with digital threats of violence--that concluded long ago. Conducted entirely on the blog of a complete stranger that I (sometimes) stalk compulsively. As the deadline for my extraordinarily difficult to compose paper looms, I have to pose the following query: "what the flying bat kidneys are you doing, Self?"

There needs to be a law proposed by legislature and juridified by the Judiciary in order to both a) expedite the normally circuitous process of legislation ratification and b) establish new precedent governing the enforcement of a "handcuff Yufeng to her desk and deprive her of sustenance until she finishes this goddamned paper" penal code.

Nessun Dorma

2011-10-21T00:53:00.000-07:00

None shall sleep! Not while I'm chipping away at this essay I should have finished days ago, anyway. Procrastination is like meth. Impossible to quit and horrible for your teeth.

a little nightmare music

2011-10-09T01:07:00.000-07:00

When it comes to my personal nightmares, violin teachers rank way up high with being put through a meat grinder, pursued by an axe murderer, or trapped in an elevator on the 45th floor of a high-rise (that's also on fire). *shudders*

Also, I really should be reading these three books instead of watching completely useless videos on Youtube.

2011-09-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

Goin' completely pecans, almonds, hazelnuts, walnuts, macadamias, cashews etc. etc.

life lessons

2011-09-13T23:57:00.001-07:00

the one invariable fact that you learn as you grow up is this: no matter how much you want rearrange someone's face with a ball peen hammer--and no matter how much you think they deserve this--it is never ever appropriate and you should never act on it.

confusing living nightmares with actual ones since 2011

2011-09-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

Hopefully I won't need the water rescue helicopters that kept popping up in droves during my dream the other night (as The Horrible Pair were kidnapping me and driving me across the Bay Bridge). Tomorrow will be fun, I'm sure. Why on earth would you have a photo shoot in my bathroom, you little twat?

THIS. Music I play when I cook for myself XD.

2011-09-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

2011-09-02T01:22:00.001-07:00

Only the second week of classes and I've already fallen back into the groove of procrastinating then trying to finish in the wee am hours. I have less efficiency than a rusty monkey wrench.

not enough tequila in the world (to fix this)

2011-08-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Why? I despaaaaairrrr.

shooting the idiot ball

2011-08-16T19:55:00.001-07:00

watching Korean drama makes me hate Asians so much. Then I look in the mirror and D'OH!

asian parent nightmares

2011-07-31T13:11:00.001-07:00

So my mom called me in a panic at 9 am and told me that my dad had had a nightmare about me. I was touched and sleep-mumbled to her that I was alright and that I'd call her back. Later on I call my dad and ask him what this horrible dream about me was, and he said: "Oh, well I dreamed I was with you in a lecture hall at Berkeley and your professor was saying that you got a C on your midterm and a D on your final which amounts to a C-, but that's a HUGE improvement considering you've already failed this class twice!! Congratulations!"

Thanks, Pops. Thanks.

some days

2011-07-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

just make you want to turn your own face into swiss cheese with an industrial nail gun. It's the same old shit on a different day and I'm really sick of it.

dammit, go to the gym!

2011-07-17T01:58:00.001-07:00

Seriously, Self. It's been like a week. Look at your life, look at your choices.

oh, Harry

2011-07-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

and just like that, Yufeng cried like a little betch. DDDD:

blah blah blah, Yufeng

2011-07-05T13:10:00.001-07:00

There's a difference between "justice" and "law." Justice implies fairness and measure for measure. It appeals to morality and a sense of righteousness. The law however, is defined only as a series of guidelines which are employed to enforce order. In the name of public interest, law and order take precedence over the dispensation of justice. And it is the law which binds our society. We may choose to brandish our "Justice System" high and see ourselves as the epitome of equality in the world, but the reality is that for every criminal we put away, there are many who are let off. For every cry against injustice that we hear and we recompense, a hundred such voices are silenced. The way the world turns is random at best and cruel at its worst; and in the end we only see what we want to see.

*edit*

Hilarious. Watch 10 min of Classic Gundam. Start crying. I'm way too sentimental. Either that or watching 50 people die in horrible ways in the span of 10 minutes is too much even for hard-hearted me. SLENDER. DENIM. JEAN.

dear yufferz

2011-07-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

plz to stop watching YuGiOh. every minute of this rubbish takes away 3 hours of college education.

barnacles on my king crab

2011-06-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

I can't wait until Saturday when I'll ride the bus to the end of the line and get myself some much needed therapy.

Also, I cried for Captain Phil again when I was watching Deadliest Catch. I just love that man. Every time I eat crab I think of him now. I wish he hadn't died.

----

2011-06-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

the world ain't nuthin' but skanks and hoes *sigh*

welcome back (again!)

2011-06-17T01:02:00.000-07:00

time to get back to where the actions at. Starting tomorrow, I'll be slinging Statistics back at the BK. And God willing, I'll be into my 3rd year at Cal this coming Fall. Holy smoking frijoles!

In other news, I almost singed off my eyebrows yesterday in a chicken-related near-accident. If I had a dollar for every time chicken has been responsible for my downfall, I'd have so much money right now.

Stay tuned: more stupid, potentially emo posts will follow now that I'm headed back to The Hallowed Halls of Learning.

let them have cake! (just make sure it's that gross carrot cake I hate)

2011-05-23T21:06:00.000-07:00

You know, we live our lives assuming that each person we interact with has it together, that they have at least some semblance of control over their wants and their needs, their feelings and their actions. But truth is, you never know which smiling mug smilingly covers a mind in tatters--somebody who in fact cannot hold themselves together.

Pray harder for perspective, mate.

in lieu of sleep

2011-05-23T00:24:00.000-07:00

My beautiful dear, my darling beauty!

My baby, oh heaven!

That she holds her in such esteem!

Oh my beloved, fare thee well!

My dear child...

Why don't you walk away?

Yes, away from Science!

My dear, dear baby...

Ah, my beauty!

Ah, my dear!

Ah, my little girl!

Oh my dearest one!

Okay, now you tell me that's not a sign.

whaa--

2011-05-04T12:33:00.000-07:00

Well. There goes my appetite.

true horror

2011-04-29T23:55:00.000-07:00

is when you'd rather watch a naked man chained to a cactus than have to listen to another moment of your roommate bangin'. Most of your antics, I can handle. This shit though, I just can't handle this shit. Plus, I burned my arm when I stuck it in the oven and now it fucking hurts. Jesus take the wheel! PLEASE take the wheel.

"well why'd you stick your arm in the oven, idiot?"

I HAD TO TEST THE TEMPERATURE, GET OFF MY BACK.

rather pleased with yourself, aren't you?

2011-04-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

*censorship*

New plan: Don't eat until this lab report is finished.

all work and no play (makes jack a dull boy)

2011-04-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm in that creepy-ass hedge maze in The Shining, the one where our hapless characters spend hours lost in and where Jack Nicholson's character finally freezes to death. It's not exactly that I feel trapped or anything--indeed, the maze does afford protection and freedom in the end--but right now, it just feels like I'm going around in circles and turning corners into dead ends.

I suddenly want some pie.

The big 2-0!

2011-04-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

Proud to be the owner of the ONLY copy of build a rocket boys! that Rasputin Music carried.

Piece of mind

2011-04-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

My professor announced that "peace of mind equals death," and then I visibly flinched because I realized then that 'aww hell, that means I wanna commit suicide my own mind!' Ugh, horrible realization is horrible, indeed. He's right though, isn't he? No sturm und drang means no reason to think and no reason to act. There's a reason why people always say that peace is boring. The most interesting people have the most tortured of minds.

That said; Maxine Hong Kingston, just because you had a shitty childhood doesn't mean all Chinese girls had a shitty childhood.

physics, why u so hard?

2011-04-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

Absolutely fantastic

2011-04-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

You want to know the deepest wish I have? I want everybody there when I come home, like I'd always imagined when I was young. With love enough to light the streets.

Neither should you walk the earth alone.

and Sunday comes afterwards!

2011-04-02T22:12:00.000-07:00

Cut adrift. Hopelessly lost and completely alone. Exposed to all the violence of the elements! Huzzah!

welcome back

2011-03-27T15:33:00.001-07:00

Fuck.

Waste of Space

2011-03-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

Yo, please let me get better. I don't think I can stand another week like this. At this point I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, and plunging pointy objects into my eye is looking increasingly desirable. (ha-ha get it? "looking" increasingly desirable? Get it? Funny ain't it? No? Not even a little bit? Tough crowd.)

Anyway. I'm pretty much walking blind here, and I could really use some guidance. God only helps those that help themselves, I know but seriously. I--I just need a tiny little something. Please. Ugh, can I get any more useless? Shotgun. In mouth. Plz.

---

2011-03-12T00:59:00.001-08:00

In my madness I pounded my fist so hard on my desk that an unseen nail-clipper dug into my hand and skinned an entire knuckle.

Oops.

Breathe and learn some patience

2011-03-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

So I go to take my clothes out of the washer today and I walk in to find that somebody has gotten their dirty little mitts on my clothing and stuffed them into an open dryer. It's been 15 minutes max since the wash cycle ended and as I stood there contemplating the-whole-world-has-seen-your-pink-underwear situation that I was in, I felt the rage of a thousand crouching tigers boiling. I wanted to throw the bitch's clothes onto the ground or buy some red food coloring and dump the whole thing into the wash or throw in some bleach or some vinegar or something similarly devious.

And then I got back and sat down and thought "well shit, What Would Jesus Do?" So I calmed myself down and took some deep breaths. Now I feel much better.

Good Yufeng: 1

Bad Yufeng: 25

See? I'm improving. Now to start this lab report...

PANIC!

2011-02-23T23:21:00.000-08:00

not your car alarm.

not at the Disco!

not when you realize the baby stroller is rolling off the BART platform.

No, this is PANIC: OCHEM (with extra Physics) edition starring UFLuo in her finest role yet: the bat-shit crazy woman who showers too little and screams too much. I've become one of the sandpeople :/

Not to sound like an ingrate for the bountiful opportunities that college affords but...given the choice between this fuckery and a nailgun between the eyes, I'd choose the nailgun.

And to the people in the next room: I can't tell you to "get a room," but please. I can hear your PDAs and that makes me want to punch babies. Days like these, I wish I could bake a cake filled with the gum-drop smiles of children, topped with rainbow sprinkles and a touch of cyanide and feed it to the people who bug me.

Locales

2011-02-19T00:31:00.000-08:00

Current location: The Swiftly-Tilting Planet of Emerging Insanity

Geo-coordinates: 1° Psychic Break by 40° Homicidal Urge

Time and Temp: Too Late/Freezing

Soundtrack: Pulsing static behind eyeballs.

1:40 AM

2011-02-16T01:35:00.000-08:00

and I can say with certainty that I've lost my sanity. I just caught myself pulling at fistfuls of hair. Why, Science? Why?

House guests and unnecessary drama

2011-02-13T11:09:00.000-08:00

I'm a part of someone else's domestic life! Oh, by all means don't let me get in the way. Good morning to you too.

12:57 pm - When I do chem, I love playing the most dramatic music I can find on Youtube. Makes me think like this:

"QUICK! FIGURE OUT THE PERCENT YIELD BEFORE THE ZOMBIES BREAK DOWN THE DOOR AND KILL THE FAMILY OF ADORABLE PUPPIES!!"

*doctorwhy.livejournal (best damn comic)

Why is everything in washout colors, Yuffers?

2011-02-10T19:04:00.003-08:00

In celebration of S.A.D, of course. Broken hearts UNITE!

Oi, you.

2011-02-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

I'd follow your troubles even as my own stacked up.

I smacked my head really hard on a pastry cabinet this morning, as I was reaching for a Danish. Also, I think I may have discovered the saddest song I've ever heard:

Johann Johannsson - Sun's Gone Dim

I dreamed last night that I went out to sea in a small motorboat with some people I didn't know. We went out further and further and the waters turned violent and roiling. Wave after wave was crashing over us and I think my mother was there and I was so worried because I knew she was seasick. Then we capsized and everyone was in the water. There was a rescue flotilla of giant tubs resting on some kind of floating, orange platform. I was in a tub with a long time of people in front of me and I was trying to get these two men to jump on board and be saved. One man jumped and made it and I woke up.

The quest for the TARDIS

2011-02-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

After much compulsive stalking on my part, the TARDIS was observed in its dismantled form, acting as the resident fire hazard of a hapless Foothill dorm. Also, I haven't so much as touched my lab report. LOLduein48hours.

2011-02-02T17:58:00.000-08:00

On bad days you just cry into your dinner and wish you didn't feel like a steaming turd.

Oh, and they took the TARDIS away. Now I'm sad.

Poking strangers.

2011-01-31T18:42:00.000-08:00

In 48 hours I have:

*shaken the freezing hands of a lost paraplegic boy

*given directions, made conversation, gotten hit on by a strange Indian man

*STEVEN PEDERSON talked to me and I got to see him threaten a GSI!

*overheard a chance conversation, turned around, saw a TARDIS on the roof of Birge

*spent half an hour trying to reach said TARDIS, climbing up entire buildings and dashing up the Campanile with two random people I'd just met

*making conversation, possibly offending, and getting a picture taken by a French tourist/mathematician/guest lecturer

More days like these, plz kthankz.

Gobbledeegook.

2011-01-27T23:54:00.000-08:00

So I spent the better part of 3 frustrating hours to figure out a single math problem. Not even a particularly difficult one either, according to my betters. I can honestly say that at this point I'm too angry with myself to sleep. It's seriously the most sickening thing imaginable to be mentally incapable of grasping a concept, especially one which comes with such ease to so many others. Of course, the happy turn of phrase calls it "practiced ease," which implies that this knowledge isn't acquired without some effort. Effort which I can put to good use to make myself smarter! Go team!

*sigh* That'd motivate me if I weren't such a pathetic, lazy little dingleberry.

But...I want misfit minions....

2011-01-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

DENOUNCE YOUR FAITH (IN SANTA CLAUS)!

Gandalf tells us that the most important thing is to choose what to do with the time that we are given. Of course this just means sitting around watching stupid tv shows instead of mastering physics. The average velocity of my neural pathways = zero.

Hey hey hey it's almost Valentine's Day!

Back in the BK

2011-01-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

It be the dawn of a new day, yar. Another semester of ~~procrastination overeating napping in lecture~~ working hard and being productive. Everyone have a fantastic year!

-----

2011-01-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

Is it weird that now and then I cry and cry and don't stop and then laugh and laugh for a while? I think they call that "insane." <_<

Doctor?

2011-01-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

Ha-hah.

Listen up kids: a couple idle days can suddenly turn you on to 50 year old sci-fis starring skinny Scottish men and their emo ~~sexiness.~~ Say what.

*2:53 pm: Taking down the Christmas tree always makes me sad. The holidays are over. All the holly jolly and the presents and the food. And this plastic tree is really really dusty too. Broke an ornament when I sneezed.

Happy new years.

*doctorwhy.livejournal

Women and children first!!!

2010-12-12T11:24:00.001-08:00

The Great Toilet Flood of 2010 [post clean up]

We had to evacuate everyone in a great big ark.

What.

2010-12-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

They're shredding my childhood with their money-grabbing silliness and I must be the only one far-and-wide (and who still gives a damn) that's incensed by it. Does nobody else realize how jaw-droppingly stupid this storyline is? "Frozen Teardrops" indeed. My teardrops. Sweet chocolate Christ.

Walternate is not pleased.

If you, you, you

2010-11-29T11:01:00.000-08:00

To be angry is easy. But to be angry with the right man at the right time and in the right manner, that is not easy.

-Aristotle

We must interpret a bad temper as a sign of inferiority.

-Alfred Adler

When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? Whatever it is, it's a good indication of what you're made of.

-H. Jackson Brown Jr

If you keep having these little freak outs at 7 am in the morning, your little heart isn't gonna be able to take the pressure. It's like being trapped in a swirling vortex of really really sharp, stinging nettles and rusty barbed wire. Cry MOARRRRR, Yuffers. This kind of bullshit is what turns you bitter and recalcitrant. It's what makes you forget what you're doing here!

To be angry is easy, you idiot.

EFFFF THIS

2010-11-19T21:38:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna spend the night watching movies and playing dipshit computer games for 10 year-olds.

blarrrrrhgggg

2010-11-17T10:42:00.000-08:00

Pretty self explanatory DDDD:

I

2010-11-12T23:31:00.001-08:00

I have a confession to make. Maybe not necessarily "confession," so much as a shameful admission to something that's always bothered me. See, I've so far been lucky enough to not have lost someone I love to sickness and death. And I don't think I'm ever grateful enough for that because I don't know what it's like to lose someone like that. And that's precisely the point. I don't know. The closest I've been to a death is when my teacher died, and I wasn't even close to the man but I still thought about it for two weeks afterwards. To have seen someone for years and suddenly not have them in your world anymore is probably the most irreconcilable notion for any human being.

I've had friends who've had to deal with this before. Best friends who've had their father seriously hurt, who've almost lost their mother...whose father passed away on a cold October night. I hardly knew what to say to them then and I'm still afraid to mention these things because I don't know how much space I'm supposed to give to a grieving person who I want to help but really don't know how to.

And now it's happened again. A good friend has lost someone and there's nothing I know how to do or say that can possibly make it better. I have to tip-toe because I don't know what can trigger a painful memory or tear open an unhealed wound. I've read that human society is held together by our ability to empathize with each other. How can I do that when I don't know how loss feels? And I don't ever want to know what loss feels like because I can't envision losing a loved one. God forbid.

----

2010-11-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

This high stress ~~day~~ ~~week~~ ~~month~~ semester has been brought to you with limited commercial interruption by University of California Berkeley.

what's yufeng up to this morning?

2010-10-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

WASTING TIME.

Remember

2010-10-26T23:06:00.001-07:00

studying ochem > moping in a corner

Making hot dogs

2010-10-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

Spent yesterday making hot dogs and wrapping them up. No, that's not some kind of metaphor. But as I squeezed some sickly yellow, industrial strength cheese onto the stale nachos, it occurred to me that if I don't start getting my act together and cutting out all the crap, then this might be all that I have to look forward to in the future. It's an exceedingly downer thought, I know but it's true. I have to kick it up a whole lot of notches to avoid spending my future days filling cups of soda for grouchy old men ("I want mine filled ALL the way!!!!").

*sigh*

**image copyright Manolomen.com

Most definitely a case

2010-10-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

of give an inch take a mile.

It's time for action.

Courtesy

2010-10-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know what kind of stage this is in cognitive development, but I hope it ends soon. I get so irrationally angry when people do things that I don't expect or deem proper, it's ridiculous! It's not any kind of anger either, it's full-on murderous rage. I don't know where this is coming from, either.

A change in brain chemistry? No, I'm not on any drugs.

I'm control freak? I don't think so. I think I've pretty much gone through the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" gauntlet.

Maybe I'm just an awful person. No, I refuse to believe that because I know I'm not. My parents taught me better than that.

I think that's it there. My parents taught me too well. They taught me how to extend courtesy, how to be polite, how to behave with respect in front of people. How to not look like a complete stupid, brainless dog turd. And I don't mean defer to everything someone says or stoop and scrape like some han jian, I mean treat them with consideration for their needs in conjunction with your own. But no, people just aren't like that here, I guess. Or they're a minority at least. Where in the Bible does it say that the rude, chicken shit morons shall inhabit the earth? I know how I sound, alright? I know I sound whiny and high-and-mighty right now, but come on. I've had about as much culture clash as I can stand right now. Am I too unyielding then? Am I being a hypocrite who should be more considerate of these people around me? I don't even know anymore. You know, I actually resorted to praying to God for patience last night in the midst of a complete emotional breakdown complete with sobbing and my Gollum voice.

*sigh* Maybe I'm just insane.

Genius

2010-10-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

Life is like a box of crackerjacks. Some people are sweet, some are nuts and if you get lucky, there's a prize.

I think I just might have to adopt that as my new world view.

(please GPA gods, don't let me crash and burn on the OChem midterm tomorrow)

Why can't the Chinese let go? (yufeng's about to go waaay overboard)

2010-09-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

*Chinese "burial squads" assigned by the Japanese to dispose of murdered villagers (wikicommons)

I've often wondered why as a collective society, Chinese people can't let go of WWII atrocities even after all these years. I mean it makes no sense, does it? Chinese people engage in trade with Japan, buy their goods, eat their foods, seek to emulate their culture and respect their society; on the other hand, whenever a sliver of political tension emerges, the old hatred rears its ugly head. So is all of that superficial? Bring up Japan's refusal to apologize for her war crimes and instantly, a dozen Chinese netizens begin to spew their vitriol. At the smallest hint of political tension between the countries, the Chinese people rise up in a frothing rage. I mean, during the World Expo in Shanghai, the Japanese consulate didn't even hang up its flag for fear of mob attack.

When I was younger I loved anime, still do. But I hated Japan. Intensely. One of the clearest memories I have of 4th grade is bringing up an encyclopedia to my teacher and showing her the entry for the Rape of Nanjing (I must have been on the verge of tears at that point). I remember playing kick ball with a Japanese girl in school one day and I brought up her country's war crimes. She finally grew irritated with me and asked me if I wanted an apology. I told her I didn't know. I still don't know. I make fun of my Chinese friends sometimes for liking Japanese culture as much as they do but then I go home and watch me some anime of my own. Does that make me a hypocritical bitch? I still don't know.

So why? Where's the hate coming from after all these years? And it's a special kind of hate that differentiates between the cultural aspects that we've adopted and the nation itself. Perhaps it's just the way my generation of Chinese was taught about Japan, and how my parents were taught. My parents are high-minded people and my Dad often praises Japan. But there are always these moments when I can feel the resentment in their tone of voice. And when Mom brings up her uncle who was buried alive...My point is that the negative image of Japan is formed in every Chinese kid whose parents were taught that way. That image of the gui zi (little Japanese demon) is formed with every WWII drama depicting their murderous rampage, with every bitterly biased history lesson taught in schools, every editorial lambasting that little island.

So is it a political conspiracy on the part of the Chinese government? Do they want to proliferate anti-Japanese sentiment as some kind of Mao-esque rallying mechanism for mob mentality and mob support? How can an entire nation hold such an ugly grudge in such an "enlightened" time. I mean, Imperialist Japan killed roughly as many Chinese during WWII as Nazi Germany did Jews and it's not like Jews routinely walk around giving Germans scathing looks, today. But perhaps that's not the right analogy to make here. Japan has never apologized, after all. Their murderers are still worshiped as war heroes.

So what if they did apologize? Perhaps then a comparison--albeit one that is wholly incomplete--can be drawn between Native Americans and white America. A history of brutality and slaughter (small box blankets et al) was done away with with a formal apology and a couple acres of land. You don't hear much from the forgotten people on the reservations anymore do you? They got their apology and for all intents and purposes, they're satisfied. Is that what China really wants? A formal apology in exchange for a quiet co-habitation? No. See, I think Sino-Japanese relations would be more similar to the one between African Americans and white America. For 200 hundred years of slavery and hatred, it seems that black America will never forgive white America--regardless of the years of reconciliatory effort. America's formal apology has resulted in a modern atmosphere where we all have to *tip-toe, tip-toe* over the issue of Black History. Every African American child is still taught the atrocities of their past, right? And because of that there's still a sense of resentment and inequality that often manifests itself without actual provocation. I'm simplifying a lot of things here, like socio-political elements and the economic factors of all of this. But truthfully, all of these elements only magnify the hatred that's passed down.

No, an apology will do nothing. So long as we are taught what happened, there will always be that urge to defend one's own cultural identity against an enemy. Even if that enemy existed 60 years ago. It's a purely psychological response, I think.

So what does that mean for me? Or for you, if you're involved in this sordid past of ours? In the future of Sino-Japanese relations? I still don't know. As Marx stated so elegantly, it's impossible for one to see the future with eyes belonging to the present. But it appears that some things just cannot be let go of. These memories linger and rot in our subconscious even when we try to forgive and forget. I have Japanese friends, and I genuinely appreciate their culture and their contributions. I don't hate Japan. How can I when its people are so lovely and its contributions to our world so significant? I don't hate Japan. But these memories...

Sullen disbelief

2010-09-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

Dear You,

I always thought we were good friends, and it continues to break my heart that we became so bitter towards each other in the end. I can't help but attribute majority blame onto your shoulders, it's simply how I try to rationalize it. I think that one day you simply wanted something else and somehow that meant that I had to be kicked down 3 flights of stairs and then stuffed into a burlap sack. It doesn't make much sense to me. You could have kicked me to the periphery of your life without such ruthlessness and lingering hostility. I feel that hostility even now.

In no mood

2010-09-12T01:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this is happening to me. It's like every month there's this incredible nadir where major catastrophic damage occurs. It's not amusing.

Kill time?

2010-09-11T00:31:00.000-07:00

Today has been a terrible day and my weekendplans went soufflé. The level of noise outside is intolerable and my mood is so piss poor that I'm two minutes away from busting out a couple Molotov Cocktails or something. Dude, I'm so difficult to be around when I'm PMSing...

But I do need to take a moment to commemorate Sept. 11 and remember the lives torn apart by violence and intolerance.

A Caravan of Despair, ours is not.

2010-09-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

Heed the chaos and then drown it out.

Keep your head above the mayhem.

Watch your arms and legs and don't get mind-raped, kids!

This week is gonna be a tough one and I'm already gearing up with Redbulls and chocolate chip cookies. Pull on boots and paint eyes over your eyelids!

Apparently

2010-09-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

It's really difficult to get a little peace and quiet around here.

Women who wear fedoras

2010-08-22T18:42:00.001-07:00

need to stop it immediately.

Forever Amber: A Book Review

2010-08-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, dear, but the final challenge is time.

I just finished reading Kathleen Winsor's 1945 Forever Amber, a novel following the rise and decline of one Amber St. Clare: sultry seductress and resident slut. Born of noble stock during the downfall of King Charles I, Amber grows up in the countryside after a series of daddy-abandoning orphan-making misfortunes. Her life of high fashion, court intrigue, and manipulating men is wrapped around the one genuine passion of her life, the dashing Bruce Carlton. Enigmatic and emotionally unattainable, Bruce is unaffected by Amber even as he takes her to bed. He uses her and casts her aside to go adventuring (a fitting piece of comeuppance for Amber, who uses and destroys countless men), often leaving her worse off. His final act of abandonment is a rather violent one as he means to permanently sever his life from that of a desperately jealous Amber. She pursues him even after being smacked black-and-blue and strangled.

Seriously, this Amber character is so grating and irritating that even I wanted to punch her in the ovaries. I mean, I understand that there are plenty of feminist undertones in this novel and I get that in the context of her society, Amber was doing as best as she could for herself. But still, some people just deserve what's coming to them. And you know what's coming to Amber? Yeah, after she's violently rebuffed by an utterly disinterested, happily married Bruce Carlton, Amber parks herself in front of his residence to meet him again. He brushes her off frigidly but she still refuses to take the hint. She simply cannot get it through her thick head that her demanding nature, world views, and sheer bitchiness cannot win Bruce's love. Amber's enemies at Court give her false information saying that Lady Carlton had died on the Carltons' trip back to America and Amber celebrates joyously, dropping everything and setting sail to America to "claim" Bruce.

I hope she died on the journey from England to America. No! Better yet, I bet she got there all excited and lusty only to find Lady C alive and well and Bruce pissed enough to hire an assassin to knife her ass. Just an utterly detestable character lacking breeding or common freaking sense. Even raised in the country, Amber had fine care under gracious, domestic Aunt Sarah and stern, judicious Uncle Matt. But no, she's like innately classless. She's almost as bad as most female anime characters. It really says something about Japanese society when an anime character can make a woman hate women.

Sunday nightmares

2010-08-08T21:23:00.001-07:00

Because five words can drive a knife past your sternum, through your ribs, and straight into your ticker. But it's really not as bad now as it was the first 5 seconds after contact. It's all a matter of perspective.

Can't believe summer school's already over. No--can't believe summer is almost over. I hope I didn't spend too many nights waxing poetic about the meaning of life.

Life's too short for ambiguous, androgynous, angsty existentialism.

Limber up, soldier! Time to become SUPER ASIA!!!! (it's gonna be a long week...)

The Feddies shoulda' christened you Ding-a-ling!

2010-07-31T00:02:00.000-07:00

The summers fade, one by one. See how they fly, on and on. And I am old and will be gone.

It's been a strange summer for me, this year. Shocking in its brevity and a little surreal. I think for the first time, I've caught a glimpse of how I really am, and it's different from how I've always perceived myself. Not sure how I feel about that. Last night I thought I saw how my life would be in 10 years and it was disquieting to say the least. I dreamt I was alone and that there were people all around me, berating me and trying to humiliate me; it was not pleasant, no. I think I woke up rattled and disturbed. Most days I walk around genuinely nervous.

Maybe I should bake a cake or go plant some trees. I wonder if airport security would stop me from bringing some sesame oil back with me. Matty can simulate a damned good bird call, by the way.

2010-07-30T00:35:00.000-07:00

A feminist lives in the left hemisphere of my brain. She frequently jumps out at inopportune moments and makes my right arm tingle. Guten tag, Dr. Strangelove.

But you know what? The raging, questionably tolerant, pro-patriarchal, morally ambiguous, logically ambidextrous, and possibly deranged right hemisphere is so totally in control half the time. She'd make "make me a sandwich" jokes at the most inappropriate intervals.

UGH

2010-07-11T00:43:00.000-07:00

Hit me over the head with a cast-iron skillet plzzz. PRUDE! That's the word I've been searching for for the past two hours!!! AHA!

*7:07 pm

Feel startlingly bad for some reason. It began last night as a tingling in my arms and feet and has since radiated into a truly loathsome "rage-against-the-world/rip-off-heads-and-stuff-body-with-cottonballs" kind of a mood. Some kind of shit's about to go down and alls I know is there'll be people chunks on the walls when it's all over >_>. It's like the planets have aligned or something, or there's a full-moon out, or some kind of fucking fairy pollen hanging in the air. Or maybe I'm just PMSing...

Homesick

2010-07-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

Harbor seals are sexually monomorphic.

Fermentation is anaerobic respiration.

I miss the light of mom's smile.

Alpacas can spit from up to a foot away.

The rain in Spain isn't much different from the rain right here.

I miss the outline of dad's back.

The cotton gin was invented by Eli Whitney.

Slavery was banned in England decades earlier than in America.

I miss the warmth of familiarity and I know

even when I'm home it won't be the same.

The universe is headed towards entropy.

Killer whales are occasionally cannibalistic.

Welcome to uncertainty (and a world of pain).

RIP Patrick Swayze

2010-06-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

"I feel sorry for those people. So paralyzed by fear of what might happen, that they lack the courage to stand up for themselves or for someone weaker. I refuse to live my life afraid to say what I feel or do what is right because there might be some mysterious villain lurking in the shadows who is bigger and stronger. Better to be dead, than to live your life afraid."

-Violent Acres [http://www.violentacres.com/archives/64/how-to-fight/]

All I can say in response is "why can't I be more like her?" Which is a wimp-ass realization. I get the feeling Olga is like this. Which kind of makes me hesitant to embrace the otherwise sound advice. I mean, there's a fine line between living without fear and being an annoyingly outspoken little fuck, right? But I don't want to live in fear. My mother's like that, I suppose, which I don't hold against her because hey! the accident prevented is the bullet dodged, right? But still. It's bracing to see someone advocate living a life free from those little freaks that grabbed Demi Moore's no-good-conniving-murderer boyfriend in Ghost.

*edit And the one-line zingers keep coming: "Self esteem brainwashing dooms people into becoming narcissistic assholes who genuinely believe the whole world revolves around them."

Oh stop it!

2010-06-25T17:46:00.001-07:00

Remember what we discussed earlier?

*edit: Mmmnnn eggs are good. Tea eggs are better (or they would be if I'd done a better job cracking). Biology teaches me that I've just consumed an ovum.

Touchy aren't you, you spazz?

2010-06-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

Though on second thought, I suppose as a means of communication, cursive isn't the easiest of lettering to read. Kinda defeats the purpose of communication even. But to strip it from our schools; now that's a sin, no?

**http://www.responsibilityproject.com/blog/should-cursive-be-saved-#fbid=IlGEReNbfdg

Question:

2010-06-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

Can Hell be other people if other people think like me? Could it be perhaps that spending an eternity with a room full of Yufengs would be filled with too much inanity, random awkwardness, insecurity, self-doubt, vindictive ploddering, and downright oddity for me (me, me, and me) to bear?

Meandered through campus today. Saw a water balloon fight in the Glade (shirts vs no shirts), a veritable ARMY of newly hatched squirrlies, and these pretty water strider bugs in the creek that I'd initially thought to be clumps of tadpoles. Also discovered that The Last Rose of Summer was written by Thomas Moore a la Irish poet and not Thomas More who got his noggin chopped off. Very alarmed that my tea smells like chlorine...WTF.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS.

(the key is to not despair)

Strange thoughts on a stranger morning

2010-06-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

I try hard to be entertaining and it's always worked in the past. Humor's supposed to diffuse situations and make you more likable; that's how it works right? These days though I feel like I'm being increasingly rebuffed. I mean, I don't think I'm having paranoid delusions about this but I can't help but feel that I'm just not as interesting as I had led myself to believe.

I always get angry when I can't remember my own dreams. I mean, they're MY fucking dreams, Subconscious Mind. Gimme a break here.

There once was a man in Nantucket. He worked at a cod fishery by day and dug for clams on weekends. He lived in a hut by the beach which he shared with a wood stove, a bucket of pilfered fish, and seven crates of Jack Daniels. Life can be very fulfilling.

I just want to ruffle Justin Beiber's hair and give him a bear hug. Stop picking on a 10 year old kid!

Animal crackers in my soup can't take my mind off the horrible living conditions of post-Industrial, Depression-era America so you fucking bet it's a hard knock fucking life for me, asshole!

New space, new frame of mind

2010-06-14T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out if Mr. Rochford is married to Mrs. Rochford or if he's actually related to her. Facebook relationship statuses can be misleading like that.

Moved into my new apartment this week. Don't know how my roommate will fit. It's gonna be tight, dudes. Like literally. Literally and uncomfortably. Welcome to sophomore year.

Hey you

2010-05-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

pull it together.

Situation: EXTREMELY HOSTILE

2010-05-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

I am so fucking dead :P

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM

2010-05-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

FUCK YOU TELEBEARS! God I swear I regret ever coming to this good-for-nothing fucking school! I should have gone to UC San Diego, goddamn it. Fuck Berkeley!! I CANNOT BELIEVE I can't sign up for the classes I need. First they completely screw me over with that FPF spring admit bullshit and now this fucktarded business! I can't take it anymore! I mean, I know life is a series of disappointments and long-ass lines, but the kind of bureaucratic oversight that lets those administrative shitfaces give more lecture slots than lab slots is just fucking mind-blowing! Don't take this as a threat from me and report it to the authorities or anything but...I really just want to torch Sproul. I'm so angry my stomach actually hurts.

*edit* Okay. So maybe I went a little overboard. Make no mistake, my telebears is still a nightmare, but I got a bit ahead of myself so please pardon me. I'm growing old and taciturn. There's only so much I can do, I guess. I want some apples all of a sudden.

April is the stupidest shittiest most fucked-up cruelest month

2010-04-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

breeding lilacs out of Dead Week.
I will show you fear in a handful of finals.
(T.S. Eliot's going to come kill me in my dreams, isn't he?)

This morning I walked across campus and got to see the sun shine on Memorial Glade. The light reflecting off the wet pavement nearly blinded me it was so intensely white. Everything was really peaceful and then I tripped and spilled some scalding coffee on my hand.

I'm not sorry to see April go. If all Aprils are like this one, I'd rather not have a birthday at all. I feel as if I've been pushed and prodded to the point of vicious green bruising. This month's left no stone unturned; every insecurity I've ever had got to manifest itself this month and some of them are still waiting to have a go at me. Frustrations, failures, hate hate more hate. -sigh- Perhaps this is a test of faith? If it is I've certainly failed it. Maybe I should go to church.

Get thee to a nunnery!

Last night I dreamt that there was this tremendous, unavoidable tsunami coming. Cut to bird's eye view of the water rushing into the city. I was in a mall and there were people just sitting around, I thought it would be nice to sit down with my family so at least we'd be together when the shit hit the fan, but I didn't know where they were. I got into a car with some people I didn't know and felt safe. This girl with purple hair was in the parking lot and I told her to get into the car but she just shook her head and walked away as the water-level rose.

Today I took one look at a certain person's purple, molding sausages and felt like setting them on fire. So that's what's been causing the persistent SMELL OF SHIT in the refrigerator. I had a real adventure picking up my care package this week. The first one got "lost" in the mail and the second one needed a signature confirmation and wasn't delivered so I had to make 5 trips to the postal office. An avocado and all the long-yan rotted. But my parents are so cute! They wrote me a belated birthday card and called me their "sweet, soft Easter bunny."

shantih shantih shantih

(what went through my mind the moment I saw my GPA)

2010-04-18T01:03:00.001-07:00

Yeah, that's a taste of what it's like inside my fat head. Anyways, I don't feel very well today. I'm frustrated. I'm unhappy. Irritated. Melancholic. And generally unpleasant to be around. I wish I had a massive point-of-view gun to make people see things the way that I do. Maybe then there'd be less anger and all-around hatred. S needs to stop stepping on my bedsheets before I lose it one day and throw that shit pile on her chair out the damn window. Also, people need to make their plans clear and fucking communicate better. I know that part of the responsibility rests with me, but frankly, if I ask you to call me fucking do it please. Ran into Olga in the hallway today, talking about how people just want to get in her pants...You know, I don't even know how to respond to that. Minimal murderous rage from me in response to seeing her disgusting face so go me *waves little flag.*

I think maybe I'm this angry because it's hot. I loathe hot weather and I always suffer in summer time. Roasting in Hell is no idle threat for me.

Sometimes I wish

2010-04-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish life could be as dramatic and fatalistic as Chinese drama. :D Though I suppose I have enough drama to keep me on my toes, drama queen that I am. I live a life of particularly lame drama though, you know? Uncertainty of future, constant threat of academic failure, existential crisis, bullshit of that sort. I really want a Vietnamese sandwich right now, dude. I need to stop watching Bai Fa Muo Nu and start being useful, like do my OWL or my math homework or some shit. The best part of having a 40 pt tv show entirely online is that I can skip past st00pid things like plot or character development and go straight to the angsty goodness. Shoot me plz k thanx :D.

*edit: Things continue to deteriorate. Oh sweet chocolate Christ.

Fuckity McFuck

2010-04-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Today started off okay. I mean, I'd accidentally put on that pair of socks that slide down my feet when I walk and I also kinda didn't know how to do my math quiz but other than that it was okay. And then BAM! my chem midterm grades get posted and shit just hits the fan. Like I mean it was just like a flying fucking squirrel to the face, okay? Really really bad. Like furrealzz I failed it. Failed even by fail-standards. I don't even know what to say. What a real way to ring in my 19th birthday, amirte? Ugh. Just watch I'mma fail math while I'm at it and that'll be enough to get me kicked out of Cal. -sigh- I think it's a sign that I live on the top floor of my building. I hear a little voice in my head that says "jump! jump!" =_=

GAHHHHH I just want to rampage around Berkeley and burn things. There needs to be another "protest" later this week so I can take out my frustrations on inanimate objects and innocent people. Maybe kick a bum or two.

2010-04-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

There's something about people eating in quiet places that makes me irrationally, terrifyingly, neck-snappingly angry. It's that goddamn smacking sound *smacksmackslurpfuckingsmack* that I just can't TAKE! Especially when I'm trying to sleep or study or doing something quiet. It's fucking disgusting! *smacksmacksmack* I just want to smack your goddamn face off. RAWWWR! Okay, I'm okay. The girl next to me at Moffitt is finished noshing on her sandwich now (you're not even supposed to bring food in here, girl.). Whole place fucking smells like food though. I think I'm mostly frustrated because I don't get this here chemistry. And you know what's funny? It's not even the chemistry part that confuses me, it's the BASIC ALGEBRA. Oh for crying out loud!

*and I *heart* Bush. That poor poor silly little man.

Inappropriate behavior

2010-04-09T16:07:00.001-07:00

Roomate's friend in room talking about how she wants to hook up with a "half-Asian/half-white guy." Oh, she's met so many douchebags in her life, she can't stand the emotional "stuff," oh my God, the day before yesterday they made out for the second time. This is extremely awkward. I mean, I suppose this is garden variety college conversation. But uh. Aw, she's all flustered now! Ah, she says they went to her room, oh my. I'm guessing sexile by the end of the night for her roomate...? Oop, no. I think now would be the best time for me to politely and quietly slip out of the room. AHAHA now my other roomate is in the room. There are 4 people in the goddamn room and that's way too many. Yufeng is walking out. Now.

Heaven ain't close (in a place like this)

2010-04-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

What do lilacs smell like? Yufeng is currently stuck doing work that she could have and should have completed well over a week ago. -sigh- Sometimes I just want to smash my head in with a cast-iron wok. Have you had your bok choi today? Next week is gonna suck. The glass is so totally half empty right now.